When Over-Giving Isn’t Kindness: Unmasking Hidden Pain on World Kindness Day

This World Kindness Day, let’s dig a little deeper into what kindness truly means. For some, “kindness” has layers – layers that may stem from unresolved trauma or the desire to avoid uncomfortable truths. Have you ever found yourself giving more than you should, feeling unappreciated, or even a little resentful afterward? That’s not always kindness; sometimes, it’s over-giving, which is often a way to cope with underlying pain or fear. Today, we’re unpacking the “why” behind over-giving and debunking common myths around kindness, exploring how trauma can relate to giving too much.

Defining True Kindness vs. Over-Giving

Kindness is powerful, but not when it’s driven by unmet needs or the urge to appease others at our own expense. Over-giving can look like kindness on the surface, but it often masks wounds and deeply held beliefs about worth, acceptance, and love. Real kindness isn’t about giving until we’re drained; it’s about mutual respect and healthy boundaries.

Common Myths About Kindness

Myth	Reality
True kindness means giving without limits.	Kindness involves balance and respecting our own needs. Giving too much often leads to burnout and resentment.
If I don’t give, I’m not kind or compassionate.	Kindness and compassion don’t require self-sacrifice; setting boundaries is a healthy part of giving.
Saying “no” is selfish.	Saying “no” can be an act of self-care, allowing you to offer support sustainably and without resentment.
Others’ needs should always come first.	True kindness includes taking care of yourself so you can better support others without depleting your energy.
Over-giving strengthens relationships.	Over-giving often creates dependence or resentment and may strain relationships when boundaries aren’t respected.

How Trauma Influences Over-Giving

Trauma can profoundly affect our self-worth, creating core beliefs like “I’m only valuable if I’m helping others.” For example, someone who faced neglect may give excessively to avoid feeling unworthy, believing their worth is tied to what they can offer. This over-giving can look like constant checking in, taking on others’ responsibilities, or saying “yes” to things they don’t want to do out of guilt or fear.

Core Beliefs and Wounds Underlying Over-Giving

Core Belief: “I’m only lovable if I’m useful.”
Impact on Life: Leads to exhaustion, resentment, and loss of personal identity.
Example: Jane, a counselor, finds herself constantly extending sessions beyond the set time and even doing follow-ups for free. Her core belief that she’s only valuable if she’s “helping” others drives her to over-give.

Belief	Impact on Life	Impact on Work
“I need to handle everything on my own.”	Leads to burnout and neglected personal boundaries.	Overcommitting to tasks, unable to say “no.”
“I must be needed to be loved.”	Increased stress, guilt, and resentment.	Takes on extra work, neglects own needs.

Shadow Aspects of Over-Giving

The “shadow” of over-giving is the hidden motivations behind kindness. For example, a need for validation, fear of rejection, or fear of being seen as “selfish” can all drive over-giving behaviors. This can prevent true connection, as others may begin to expect this excessive kindness without reciprocation, reinforcing the cycle.

Addressing Common Issues or Challenges

Signs You Might Be Over-Giving

Feeling resentful after helping.
Saying yes out of obligation or guilt rather than choice.
Giving more than you realistically can and neglecting your own needs.

Practical Consequences of Over-Giving

Burnout: Over-giving can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion.
Relationship Strain: People may come to expect “extra” help without respecting boundaries.
Loss of Self: The focus shifts to others’ needs over your own, resulting in loss of identity.

What do I do about it?

Setting the Scene: Recognizing Over-Giving

Start by understanding why you’re giving. Take a moment to reflect on your motivations. Use a “feelings wheel” to identify emotions that come up when you think about saying “no.”

Step-by-Step Guide to Stop Over-Giving

Identify Core Beliefs: Write down any beliefs around giving. Are they realistic, or rooted in fear?
Set Boundaries: Practice saying “no” in small, manageable situations to build confidence.
Track Feelings Before and After: Rate how you feel before agreeing to something and after to identify patterns.
Challenge Negative Beliefs: Use a table like the one below to reframe core beliefs about kindness.

Negative Belief	Realistic Counter-Belief
“If I don’t give, they won’t like me.”	“True friends will value me for who I am, not what I can do for them.”
“I’m only valuable if I’m helping.”	“My worth is not based on my contributions; I am valuable as I am.”

Grounding Techniques and Activities

Reflective Journaling: Use a journal to reflect on situations where you feel compelled to over-give.
Self-Care Table: Create a table of comforting activities (e.g., nature walks, reading) and try incorporating them into your weekly routine.

Activity	Purpose	Reflection on Impact
Journaling	Self-awareness	Helps identify triggers for over-giving.
Nature Walk	Relaxation	Reduces stress, clears the mind.

Organizational or Societal Implications

If organizations only reward individuals who overextend themselves, they contribute to burnout and reinforce the idea that over-giving is valuable. Institutions can encourage healthy boundaries by recognizing and rewarding balanced contributions rather than excessive work. A balanced organizational culture reduces the stigma around setting boundaries and promotes well-being.

Combating Stigma and Misconceptions

Some may view setting boundaries as selfish or unkind. This misconception needs to be reframed: boundaries allow individuals to offer their best selves without resentment or burnout. Educating others on the importance of boundaries can help shift this perspective.

Real-Life Case Studies or Stories

Background

Sarah, a content moderator, was dedicated to creating a safer online space. She often took on extra shifts and challenging cases to prove her value, driven by a need to feel helpful and appreciated. Over time, however, she became exhausted and burned out.

Root Causes

Sarah realized her over-giving was linked to her childhood belief that her worth depended on being “the responsible one.” She feared that saying “no” would make her appear selfish or uncommitted.

The Turning Point
After attending a mental health workshop at work, Sarah recognized how over-giving was harming her well-being. She decided to set clear boundaries, reduce extra shifts, and incorporate self-care activities, like journaling and taking daily breaks.

Steps to Change

Identifying Core Beliefs: Sarah wrote down beliefs like, “If I don’t volunteer, I’m letting the team down.”
Setting Boundaries: She limited her work hours and communicated these boundaries to her team.
Reframing Beliefs: She replaced, “I’m only valuable if I give extra” with “I am valuable as I am.”

Outcome
With healthier boundaries, Sarah felt more energized and balanced. Her relationships and work performance improved, showing that balanced kindness fosters both personal and professional growth.

Takeaway
Sarah’s story highlights the importance of setting limits and recognizing the impact of over-giving on well-being and effectiveness.

Conclusion

This World Kindness Day, let’s challenge the idea that kindness means giving endlessly. Over-giving is often rooted in old wounds, unresolved traumas, and self-worth issues. Recognizing and addressing these deeper reasons helps create a version of kindness that respects our own needs as well. Remember, true kindness benefits both the giver and the receiver without compromising self-care.

Call to Action

Are you ready to explore a balanced approach to kindness? Take time today to reflect on your motivations for giving and consider setting boundaries where needed. Join the conversation about healthy kindness by sharing this post and helping to debunk myths around giving and self-worth.

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